We Need to Build a Wall Around Windsor, Colorado

If you hate racial minorities and the LGBTQIA+, where would you want to live? The answer, of course, is a place where very few of them dare to venture. In Colorado, that place is the city of Windsor. The burgeoning Conservatives of Windsor, who dominate local politics, are on the cusp of taking over the public library, eager to implement their agenda of banning books that teach love and acceptance of gay people. The only Black community organizer in the last six years was run out of town after being sent pictures of nooses in the mail.^[1] A person of color who stumbles into the city and attempts to right wrongs will be attacked and slurred:

Progressive.

Illegal Immigrant.

Jew.

The aspiring nouveau riche of this town shirk hard work. The parents do not nudge their teenage sons and daughters (or—God forbid—non-binary offspring) to work at the local Taco Bell and McDonald's to learn respect for service workers. Instead, the third-whitest city in Colorado is served by an underclass of mistreated nonwhite immigrant labor. The town has consistently fought against affordable housing. As a result, the people who flip burgers and assemble burritos for this town must commute from adjacent towns like Greeley.

This town is alarmingly homogeneous, not just in its racial composition but in its ideological bent. It is a haven for those who wish to express xenophobic, racist views without the inconvenience of consequences. Windsor has effectively won a silent race war, not through overt conflict but through the systematic exclusion of diversity.

The problem

We cannot simply shake our heads in disappointment and ignore this Disneyland for bigots. However, Windsor, Colorado, is not just bigoted: It is wealthy. The median household income of this city is more than $100,000 a year, placing a good majority of the town in the upper-middle class. One central power broker in town has even hosted Mike Pence in his residence. This city is rapidly becoming larger: the local government has estimated that the city's population has now reached more than 40,000 people, almost doubling in ten years.

It is clear that the tumor is spreading and that when Windsor, Colorado, sends their people to places like Fort Collins, Greeley, and Denver—they are not sending their best. They are sending white supremacists, violent segregationists, and homophobes. And some, we assume, are good people. Therefore, we cannot sit idly by as this town exports its hate and anti-American values to the rest of this state, this country, and the world.

The proposal

 We might be tempted to call for drones to strike this section of Northern Colorado. After all, the United States military has spent trillions of dollars on this exact problem of dealing with people who hate freedom. However, we should take the high road and instead build a giant wall around the town, then pass a law saying that no Windsorian can leave the land without state or federal government permission. Not only does this eliminate the need to inflict violence (except for the Windsorians who try to climb over the wall), but Windsor will be so grateful at the prospect of not being killed by an unmanned aerial vehicle that they will likely agree to pay for the construction themselves!

Mahatma Gandhi once claimed that "an eye for an eye leaves the world blind." With that in mind, we can maintain good relations with the people of Windsor, Colorado, if we choose to merely isolate them instead of dropping a few hellfire missiles on their Main Street.

Consider this analogy: you would not let a stranger live in your house without vetting them, would you? Then why should we allow the residents of Windsor, known for their less-than-stellar qualities, to mingle freely in our neighborhoods, where they could influence our children and disrupt our way of life? What benefit comes from allowing lazy, dangerous, uneducated Windsorites to go to Denver or Fort Collins?

In implementing this plan, we would be setting a historical precedent. It demonstrates our commitment to safeguarding our societal values against internal threats. While focused on one town, this action sends a clear message to all communities: that the propagation of hate and bigotry has tangible consequences and that, as a society, we are willing to take bold steps to preserve our core values of inclusivity and diversity.

Extreme vetting

You may ponder the fate of the potentially decent individuals residing in Windsor, wondering if they, too, must be lumped in with the bad eggs. Luckily, the federal government has already designed a robust, transparent, and fair process for allowing outsiders to enter this great country.

Family separation at the border

We must acknowledge reality: many Windsorian families will disrespect the process and attempt to cut the line. The state patrol will likely encounter many of these illegals on Interstate 25. Many of them will have their children there as accomplices to the crime of border-crossing.

You may object that the children are innocent in all this. You may be tempted to forgive them for being born on the wrong side of the border. Before supporting this modest proposal outlined thus far, you may demand a solution that accounts for the children. And so, we must flesh out this project even further:

1. Zero-tolerance policy: All Windsorian adults entering Colorado without authorization, including those seeking asylum, are to be prosecuted for illegal entry.
2. Separation of Children from Parents: Upon the prosecution of adults for illegal entry, the children accompanying them are to be separated from their parents' custody.
3. Reclassification: These children are then reclassified as "unaccompanied."
4. Placement of Children: After separation, the children will be placed under the supervision of the Denver Department of Health and Human Services.
5. Handling of Separated Adults: Following prosecution, the Windsorian adults are either held in jails or deported back to where they came from.

The law is the law, and we must protect the sovereignty of Colorado.

Fiscal responsibility

You may express concerns about the financial feasibility of maintaining such an extensive barrier around Windsor. With its attendant costs, the notion of a continuous guard presence could seem daunting. However, we have a cost-effective solution to this: the construction of a spike-filled moat.

To borrow from the Texas State Government (under Governor Greg Abbott), we can dig a giant moat around the wall and place a floating barrier along the Rio Grande to enhance border security. This barrier would comprise a string of 4-foot-high, bright orange buoys, which will be placed in the middle of the moat and laced with spikes. While not a perfect solution, this will be a cost-effective deterrent against any illegal Windsorites attempting to cut the line.

Conclusion

This small town has metamorphosed into a hub of individuals whose ideologies are so profoundly hateful that isolation becomes necessary. We're not talking about a handful of misinformed individuals but a collective that champions white supremacy, violent segregationism, and neo-feudalism. Sure, some decent individuals might be among them, but can we afford to take that risk?

The proposed barrier around Windsor is more than just a physical structure; it would symbolize our resolve to protect the integrity of our communities. It would be a statement that we value diversity and will go to great lengths to defend it. It is a reminder that in our pursuit of a more perfect union, we must sometimes take unconventional steps to protect the principles upon which our nation was founded.

[1] Conveyed through personal correspondence

Featured image is Border Wall, by Dawn Paley